I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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