you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
