Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
