the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
