I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
