Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
