After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got inside last night via doggy door
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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