You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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