well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize