: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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