You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
