i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
he puts the penis in happiness.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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