When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
17 People Reveal The Reasons Behind Their Foot Fetish
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...