Someone shit on the floor
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.