Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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