the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
