i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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