Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
