I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
cat food counts as protein by the way
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
