Just cropdusted the office
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I don't deserve a penis
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
