So drunk its hurt
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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