This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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