So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
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You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
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I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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