my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
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We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
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I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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