Well douche your snatch and let's go!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
