just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
