this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
