Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize