I think I died a long time ago.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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