I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
