I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
