i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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