I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
