his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
