i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
