i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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