Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
