All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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