[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
