I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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