Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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