WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
