During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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