Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
