i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
