the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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