One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
