Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
