i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
