When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
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After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
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Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
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