paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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