did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
