Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
i think i just lost a toe
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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