I accidentally had phone sex last night
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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