I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
