Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
She tied me up with her honor cords...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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